The Bachelor's Club
The Caldwell tribune., June 29, 1889
"Come to order," gentlemen, said President Roberts, as he hit the beer keg a resounding whack with a ham bone, "business of importance demands our attention. The secretary will call the roll and shove the limberger over this way."
Secretary Fahy stopped in his efforts to fasten a bachelor button where it would do the most good, and called the roll, in a low, plaintive voice not wholly unmixed with sadness and limberger cheese. As he called the names of Dan. Campbell, John Johnson, Dan. Brown, Everett Mosby and C. 0. Picard, the briny tide coursed down his cheeks in a perfect whirlpool, while the entire club bowed their heads and groaned with anguish. Mackelberger fished in his pocket for a handkerchief to dry his streaming face, and pulled out a long stocking, such as are usually I worn by the bitterest enemies of the Club. In vain did he plead that some enemy had placed the mysterious garment in his pocket to destroy his standing, the President was firm and suspended the offender for a month. The stocking was nailed just above skull and cross bones as a warning.
Application of C. S. Scott was withdrawn. Application of S. M. Coffin was referred to committee on grass-widowers. The committee on tie passes reported the return of Bachelor Oakes and recommended that he be again received into fellowship.
Bachelors Dorman and Zehner were then called up to pay their usual fine and be reprimanded.
Bachelor Badley then preferred charges against Bachelor Williams whom he openly denounced as a wolf in sheep's clothing and charged him with trifling with the affections of the club. The president forbade the offending member from speaking to a woman for a week and gave Badley a pair of clean socks as a reward for his vigilance.
Bachelor Hand gained the floor and said that the "Female Night Caps," kept him in constant terror. Hardly a mail passed that he did not get threatening letters, and one night while he was wrapped in peaceful slumber, they had actually sang "Come Where My Love Lies Dreaming" under his window. He vividly enlarged upon the excruciating torture of such a proceeding, and once more demanded protection.
The president referred the matter to the committee on danger with instructions to show no mercy.
Bachelor Ralph Oakes preferred charges against President Roberts, but as he could not sustain them without implicating himself, had to apologize. Billy Isaacs and Aleck Hoover were told their actions were watched and advised to go slow.
The following resolution by Bachelor Steunenberg was adopted: WHEREAS, It is rumored and we have every reason to believe that our worthy president and Bachelor Isaacs are about to build residences, and
WHEREAS, More or less suspicion is excited in the minds of doubting members by such action, and WHEREAS, It has been demonstrated by the Saints' Rest that a Bachelor can build a house without any serious results arising, therefore be it
RESOLVED, That we consider the intentions of our worthy president and Bachelor Isaacs as being perfectly honorable, and for the best interests of our order.
The meeting then dissolved itself into a game of seven-up.
September 7, 1889
The Bachelor's Club.
President Roberts looked worn and weary as he ascended to the seat of honor, but his face settled into a fierce determination as he wickedly brought down his ham bone to call the meeting to order. So sudden was his action that Bachelor Steunenberg choked on a cork, and Secretary Fahy tried to nibble a white check for limberger cheese.
"I have concluded to resign my high office," savagely said the president. "I have it on good authority that charges will be preferred against me on the grounds that several articles of feminine apparel were found charged in my last month's bill. I will make no defense. If I can't enjoy the confidence of the members of the club, I don't want any honors. I there-fore tender my resignation."
On motion of Bachelor Oakes, who was going to prefer the charges above referred to, President Robert's resignation was accepted.
On motion of Bishop Sisson, Prof. Bed Springs Harmon was elected president by acclamation.
After thanking the Club for the honor conferred upon him, at the same time sliding a ham sandwitch in his coat tail pocket, President Harmon said he had a great treat to announce to the club. "An honorable member had just returned from over the sea, and had kindly consented to address the Club that evening. Said member was a man of rare eloquence, a close observer, a good judge of human nature, of unswerving fidelity to the order, a gentleman and a scholar, in short, I take pleasure in presenting to you our highly honored brother—Monsieur Patrick J. Fahy."
Bachelor Fahy arose amid, wild applause and popping of beer bottles; and modestly commenced:
"Monsieurs—Not wishing to tire you with a detailed statement of any travels, I will relate a little adventure I had in gay Paree. One morning as I was strolling down boulevard du lunch counter, I saw coming briskly toward me a French-man who looked strangely familiar. As we drew nearer together my eyes began to stick out like marbles and an engaging smile overspread my Paree countenance. `Surely,' said I to myself, 'surely I' cannot be mistaken; those military moustache, those classical features, those alfalfa button hole bouquet, those store clothes; it is! it cannot be otherwise! it is my old Idaho friend, Monsieur DeVers!) With a cry of recognition I impulsively rushed forward and seized his hand. But instead of the hearty pressure I expected, the hand was coldly withdrawn, and with a haughty bow, my supposed friend said: 'Monsieur one great fool, ze make one grand mestakel My name is Boulanger, on ze way to issue ze manifesto; ze seconds will wait on Monsieur.' Well boys, I was paralyzed. The cussed frog eater took away my breath, But I realized that I had been challenged to a duel by Gen. Boulanger. My first thoughts were to jump off of the Eiffel tower, and actually started to carry out my design. At the foot of the tower, however, a lucky thought stunch me. Taking my note book I hastily scribbled the following, and sent to his residence: You old blower—Not penetrating my disguise you rashly challenged me to fight. I will meet you for $50,000 a side and the championship of the world, to a finish. 1 am, sir, yours truly, JOHN L. SULLIVAN.
Well sir, it worked like a charm. The messenger came back in half an hour with an apology and an invitation to supper. Of course I went, and truly the old Gen. could not do enough for me. He got stuck on my shape, took we in and gave me introduction to President Can-not, and we beat him out of three bottles of beer at "solo." On closer observation, however, I see I wronged Monsieur De Vers, and I want to apologize to him. Boulanger is much coarser. But speaking of coarseness reminds me of Queen Victoria&mdash"
Here Bachelor Brown arose to a point of order, and loudly called attention to Section 1 of the By-Laws, which reads: "No member shall occupy the floor longer than ten minutes without refreshments," and also called attention to the truthfulness of that trite old remark once made by the governor of Maine to the governor of Georgie, viz: "It's a long time between drinks."
The president sustained the point of order, and ordered a recess, while Monsieur Fahy left the hall angrily exclaiming that there was no accounting for the tastes of "bloody Americans."
Note: The Caldwell Tribune was published by the Steunenberg Brothers.
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